Wrestling With God

"Then the man said, 'Let me go, for it is daybreak.'

But Jacob replied, 'I will not let you go unless you bless me.'" (Genesis 32:26)

   This is Day +3 (three days after transplant) and it is a Sunday.  I have never been inside the same building this long in the history of my life - ten consecutive days without going outside...and counting.  It is Memorial Day weekend, the sun is shining, and I can only look outside.  Physically I have had a few hard days here.  I have no appetite and everything that comes out of me is...well, not solid.  My weight is hovering downward back toward what it ought to be, but I need to turn a corner soon in the battle for the digestive system so that my next round of Neuprogen shots can happen on schedule.
   I read through Genesis 32 again this morning.  This story is fascinating for a lot of reasons.  Prior to meeting back up with his estranged twin, Jacob has this night of wrestling.  He is wrestling with some unknown character, but it soon becomes evident that it is with God himself.  Now I recall being a part of wrestling matches that would go on for twenty minutes or more, but at the end of those matches I was whupped.  I remember Coop and Jared going at it one evening at camp for about an hour.  But after that amount of time only sheer exhaustion on the part of both participants is present.  Strength is gone.  So wrestling on all night seems impossible to me; even as I recall the thoughts of those matches now with my current diminished physical abilities, I get tired.
   But what is curious about this story is that through this experience, Jacob receives his new name: "Israel," a word that means "wrestles with God."  So what truth is here for me today?
   God wants me to engage with him.  He welcomes my frustration, my anger, my sadness, my frailties.  I may have scars from the encounter (Jacob's hip was damaged) but I will be forever changed when I encounter God in this way.  But it seems to me that Jacob did not receive his blessing just for wrestling with God but for his clinging to God.  After that long evening, Jacob had no more energy to wrestle, and the only thing he could do is hang on.  According to God's word, the blessing came because he refused to let go.
   I am beaten.  I am exhausted.  I have wrestled with God about this cancer and chemotherapy and treatment and I am tired of the whole affair.  But I will not let go.  I will hang on.