Apologies and Explanations

   Monday...back to school, back to work, back to normal.  I found myself this morning eager to get back to the students and to for at least a while pretend all is well.  I am also finding that harder to do all the time.  While I get the port inserted on Thursday, one would think that I have three days of "normal" to get through, but today was hard.  I find myself with two overriding feelings: my physical self does not have the energy to do my teaching job as well as I would like, and I find my mental self being out of focus when I do try to do my job well.  My mind wanders to thoughts like, "What will this journey be like a few days from now?  A week from now?  A month from now?"  I still am operating on the "One day at a time, sweet Jesus..." motif, but it has become more difficult to keep that mantra in focus.
   To my students: I am limping through some things.  What I have to teach you is important even if I don't have the typical energy that I would like to have when presenting you with topics such as the importance of Deuteronomy or the nature of polygons.  I am sorry.  Be patient with me.  I am doing my best with what I have right now.  But also remember that it is your job to do the learning -- I am here to guide you.  Let's keep going together.  Both you and I know that it will get better.
   To the parents of my students: my love for your children has not wavered.  They have been patient, amazing, incredible, and necessary supports for me.  You have blessed me with not only the opportunity to be the teacher of your children, but with the ways you have supported my family as well -- raking leaves, bringing food, offering prayers -- all has blessed us in ways you will never know about.
   To my school community: you have offered me a glimpse of what it means to be one of you.  You continue to amaze me with your support and concern.  You bless me with your questions, your support, your presence.  Thankyouthankyouthankyou.
   So here we go.  I have to get some grading done.  I have to prepare lessons for tomorrow.  I have to get a nap.  I have a lot of "have-tos" on my list.  I will do my best.  Your patience and understanding will be needed as we fill in the gaps...together.  "One day at a time, sweet Jesus..."

Pete's Gift

   While I was at one of my many doctor's appointments last week, I met two people in the waiting room that I immediately recognized as the parents of a boyhood friend.  Pete and Millie were there because Millie is enduring the ravages of cancer as well, but the perseverance evident in them is something that I too wish to emulate.  But Pete, a first-generation immigrant from the Netherlands and a WWII survivor, had found an old prayer journal at his mother's home, still written in its original Dutch language.  He had taken the time to translate the journal into English and gave me a copy of his work.  The book, small like a postcard, is simply entitled, "A Prayer for Every Day."  Here is the entry for November 27:

   "Heavenly Father, help me that I today without interruption may gaze on you.
       Grant that the bad and the low will not pull me down.
       Help me to walk as a child of the Almighty and all-powerful one who knows
          that his citizenship is secure in heaven."

   Many have gone before me who have endured far more than I am being asked to endure.  I have good doctors and a good prognosis...many do not.  I am surrounded by a good family and a lot of support...many do not.  I have a hope and a future, guaranteed me by a loving Father...many do not. I have fresh water, good food, a solid roof, the blessings of wealth...many do not.  While I echo this prayer, I also am humbled by all that I have and understand that I am blessed beyond what I deserve.  Take the time today to be thankful, not just for the list we rattled off around the Thanksgiving table earlier this week, but for the basics that many of us take for granted.  Thank you, Pete.  Take care of Millie for us.

A Rainy Saturday

   Saturday...wet and rainy, grey and damp.  One could use weather conditions as a metaphor when describing one's state of mind or a season in life.  Forget it.  "This is the day the Lord has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it."  Each day is a gift.
   I received a lengthy e-mail from a former student of mine who claimed I was a big influence on her during some difficult days in her life...30 years ago.  While I remember her well and remember her family well, her words were a blessing to me this morning.  They cut through the wet/rainy/grey/damp and encouraged me during this time when I am down a bit.  Thanks Jane.  Blessings to you and your family.
   We just said "good-bye" to our daughter, her husband, and our grandson.  Again, another blessing from God -- well, their existence is the blessing, not the fact that they were leaving.  "Great is thy faithfulness..." from one generation to the next.  OK, I am just rambling here this morning.  It makes no sense to write if I am not saying much.  I have been told that I have the gift of being able to talk until I think of something to say...maybe I can write the same way.
   Time to go get a haircut.  It's all going to fall out anyway...I might as well get rid of it before it comes out in clumps.  That could scare the children.

Three Loves

My girlfriend and our two grandchildren...
From left: Nora Jane (age 1), my wife Connie (I am not saying her age) and Jesse Taylor (age 2)

   If I ever need to be reminded during this upcoming process that fighting for life is important and nobody is around in close proximity to kick me in the behind to keep me going, I post this picture here and now to remind and proclaim to my future self three of the most important reasons why I need to fight this cancer and its side effects with everything I have.  Every fiber of my being might need to go into this fight.  This is what you are fighting for, Phil...keep going.

The Beginning of It All

"I am two weeks short of my 57th birthday.  For 56.85 years, I have lived a life that has been blessed by God and I am assuming -- because I have a vague understanding of God's sovereignty -- that there is nothing that will threaten this blessing from continuing.  I have a beautiful wife.  We have been married for 31 years.  I have six children, two grandchildren, two sons-in-law, a dog, a cat, and a mortgage.  I am a teacher of students that are in the 7th and 8th grades, an age that causes many of my friends to cringe when they think of how I spend my days.  But they are indeed a spark in my life that make me smile, wonder, and gasp.  At that age, nothing ever happens without exclamation points.  "Play try-outs!"  "Basketball game!"  "Too much homework!"  "Nobody likes me!"  "I hate school!" "I think he likes me!"  Each day is one exclamation point after another.

The school I teach for is a Christian school.  Each family pays tuition for the right to have their children attend the school and then we as Christian teachers have the blessed opportunity to raise these children "...in the discipline and instruction of the Lord"  which sounds scarier than what it is.  The summary of it all is that I love my students, I love my job, I love my school.  You would have to ask my students what they think about me but then you would have to read their blogs.

Last week I was diagnosed with lymphoma, a cancer of the lymph node system.  Middle school students don't scare me, but this has.  Tomorrow I visit the oncologist for the first time after two solid weeks of visiting with other doctors who checked out this and that and whatnot.  Their job was to determine that the bumps that I had noticed in my armpit and my neck were not caused by cancer that may have originated somewhere else in my body.  Those tests proved to be negative (a good word) and so the conclusion is that the cancer is in the lymph nodes.

The purpose of this blog then is to allow those who are curious about my health, my state of mind, and whatever other details I care to throw in.  I intend to keep private what I need to keep private but also I know there are many people who are praying and want to know how I am doing on this journey.  This will be the place to check.

Tomorrow is Oncologist Visit #1.  I meet with my human exclamation points in the morning and then visit the doctor at 2:00 pm.  We hope to find out what type of cancer we are dealing with and the treatment options that will allow me to continue this earthly existence for a few more years or decades."

That was the news from a few days ago.  I am still on the edge of a major battle.  Today was about a Pet Scan, fasting, and being thankful.  My grandson is here with my daughter and her husband.  My grandson is medicine for my soul.

I intend to do my best to write on this blog frequently so that those of you who are concerned for my well-being can stay apprised of things.  I have been overwhelmed by the kind wishes, the meals, the cards, and the prayers that have been realized and offered.  You all are the best.  Keep praying -- next week we get a port and start the chemotherapy.  Bring it!