Questions

"Many people owe the grandeur of their lives to their tremendous difficulties."

                                                                                               Charles H. Spurgeon

   I have another consultation with the bone marrow transplant team tomorrow and I am ready.  I am ready because I am feeling better, gaining a few pounds (well, maybe two or three since our last meeting), and because there are a few pressing questions I am ready to ask.  During this gathering--as the routine goes--we will do some physical therapy, have my vital statistics measured, donate some blood, analyze the meds I am currently taking, and talk about what I might expect in the next couple of weeks.  I am at Day +59 right now and well on my way to the somewhat arbitrary Day +100 when gloves and mask can come off and life can proceed with an element of normalcy.  Here are some of my questions (and even if the docs don't have the answers for me, I want to ask them anyway):

• When will food taste like food again?  About the only food that tastes like I remember it tasting is grapefruit.  Everything else tastes strange.  Dairy and sweets?  No way.  The taste they give me is just too strange and disgusting.
• When can I be around a lot of people again? I miss church and the chance to go to ballgames and other gatherings.  Can this happen again soon?
• Will I be ready to start school full time a month from now?  Sometimes I think so, other times I have my doubts.  I would like to know the answer to this, but the way things have gone, I probably won't know the answer until I try.
• Why is it so hard to gain weight?  My son Tem has started calling me "Chicken Legs" because they are so frightfully skinny.  I could pose as a poster child for famine relief right now.  I might need to eat straight bacon grease for a few days.
• What should we do about my blood pressure?  Because of meds and/or other conditions, it has been very low for the last few weeks.  Today it was 88 over 60 and that has been typical as of late.  
• When can I drive again?  Connie is having way too much fun and has way too much control over me right now.  Don't tell her, but I think she likes it that way.  Road trips are not as much fun when one is in the passenger seat ALL OF THE TIME.
• When can I start to work out?  I have not be a "working out" type of person for the last twenty years, so I should be well rested.  But I will have to do something to bring this body back up to specified levels of acceptability.  Just walking, shooting hoops with the kids, and splitting firewood for my father-in-law isn't going to suffice any more.
• Why can't the Detroit Tigers get on a win streak? My doctors won't know, but it is still an important question.  
• When will I be able to do even moderate activities without getting tired?  This is improving, but not fast enough for me.

   Yesterday Tim and Tammy took our family for a slow ride down the Grand River and out to Grand Haven on their boat.  It was so much fun.  These friends are a blessing to us.  But Tammy and I were talking for a while while Tim and Connie and the kids were jumping off the boat and swimming.  She lost her first husband to cancer several years ago and understands the meaning of the quote from Spurgeon that started this entry.  She threw a question at me that needs answering too. It is one that she was confronted with and did not want to explore as she watched her husband battle through his disease.  Here it is:

If things stay exactly the way they are today, will you be content?  

   This question is like the cat scratching on the window -- I would like to ignore it, but ultimately I have to open the door and let it in.  There are a myriad of corollaries that go along with this question: 

If things stay the same, will you still proclaim that Jesus and his love is enough for you?  

If things stay the same, will you resist the bitterness that wants to creep in to your life?  

If things stay the same, will you still see life as a genuine blessing?  

If things stay the same, will you remember that death still does not have to be feared?

   I have my questions ready for my medical team when I meet them tomorrow.  I want some answers.  But Tammy reminded me that God has a few important questions for me as well.  I have to keep wrestling with my answers for Him.