The Old Horse

   My cart was getting in front of my horse today.  I tried to keep it from rolling too quickly, but there were moments when it was moving nearly out of control.  Please understand that the proverbial horse I am working with is really a slowly plodding old nag and I cannot make it travel any faster.  The horse takes its time, deals with its meds, makes its appointments, and health wise improves ever so slowly.  It is very content to move along at its own methodical pace with no concern for the fact that the new school year is just around the corner.  Meanwhile my cart is getting more full and therefore rolling more quickly.  In the cart are all the things I have to do before school starts.  Also in the cart are the feelings of self-doubt and lack of confidence that always seems to plague me at this time of year.  New courses I have to teach are in the cart.  New computer programs that I need to learn are in there as well.  Then of course that ugly little hint of nagging fear that I won't physically be ready for it all when it starts -- that's in there too.  I hate that fear.
   1 Peter 5:7 implores me: "Cast all of your anxiety on Him because he cares for you." Why is this simple adage such an "easy-say-hard-do" challenge for me?  I have believed in Jesus a long time and I still have issues with this command.  I don't trust the way I should.  I want to keep things under control.  I want to appear capable and polished in what I say and do.  I want to be the expert in something -- in everything --  instead of always feeling like the new guy.  I want, I want, I want.
   This sounds exactly like so many characters we read about in the Bible.  King David had his issues with this.  Certainly Peter, Samson, and Jezebel were "I Want" all-stars.  It was this attitude that got Adam and Eve -- and therefore the rest of mankind -- in trouble.  But think about how many other people living today battle the same temptations of wanting to be in control and wanting to appear competent as a way of fueling personal egos.  So many have the desire for self-sufficiency and self-determination -- I am not alone in this.
   I have to slow down the cart.  To do this I must remove the heavy items and just leave them by the side of the road.  Later I can pick up the things that I really need.   I cannot let this cart run over my horse.  After all, that horse is me and I need to learn to lighten my own load.  I have to get that sense of fear out of the cart and just leave it in a ditch somewhere.  That is my biggest problem. I hate that cart when I allow it to bump my butt and it threatens to run me over.  My cart will be lighter tomorrow.  One day at a time, sweet Jesus...